Fortino's - Supermarket With the Smarts

The Perfect Man and I purchased a screened gazebo at Fortino's in mid-April, which we erected, according to instructions, in our backyard.

One day we came home from work to find the gazebo on its roof. One support bar had snapped completely off and the other was off on one side, and broken on the other. As well, one of the support bars had punctured the tarp.

I sat down at my computer and I wrote a letter to the managers of Fortino's and explained what had happened. I told him that, although I still had my bill, I no longer had the packaging for the gazebo. I faxed that letter yesterday. At approximately 7:45 this morning, the manager called me and told me to bring back the gazebo and he would "make it right".

Fortino's will stand behind their products.

An Elephant Never Forgets....

I normally wouldn’t post a story like this, especially because I can’t confirm if it’s true (and it’s probably not true); however, it’s very interesting nonetheless.

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Membe never forgot that
elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant....

Choke the Chicken

The building I work in has undergone some major renovations. So major, that we're having a "Grand Reopening and Rededication" Ceremony. All the mucky-mucks will be touring so we all have to make sure that our offices our cleaned and our half-naked fireman calendars are out of sight.

Management has hired someone to put "artwork" up on our walls. Some woman poked her head in my office yesterday, and despite the fact that I was on the phone she asked "Do you want a goose or a pelican?" I pointed to the phone. "Oh sorry" she said. Then continued "I just wondered if you wanted a goose or a pelican". This time I covered the phone and said, "I'm on the phone." Good. Now she understands. "Oh. Okay. Just tell me if you want a goose or a pelican."

I swear, I am not making this up.

I asked my called to hold for a moment and I said, "I have absolutely no opinion one way or another. You can do whatever you want." Then I got up and closed my office door.

She put the goose up (the first picture above). That picture is a copy of the actual print that's hanging outside my office door. Everytime I look at it, I think of men masturbating (choking the chicken).

I actually got off easy. A vast majority (at least 98%) of the prints hanging in our building are birds. Of those, probably 80% are birds killing other animals (the second picture above). Most of them are pretty dark and some of them are actually pretty scary for adults.

Keep in mind that I work in an industry and has much contact with children. Children who will walk through our halls. Children who have already witnessed too much in their short lives.


EDITED TO ADD: I just noticed that there is a second goose in the print and he actually appears to be giving "head" to the first goose. For the love of humanity....

Empire Strikes Out

Last night, The Perfect Man and I met with a sales representative from Empire Carpet and Flooring. Those "perfect" sales techniques they insist their reps use are the very reason I will never deal with that company. I'd suggest if you don't like to get the "runaround" and hear incredible stories about other people choosing the very carpet you just pooh-poohed, then don't ever make that 1-800 call.

We told the rep that we were selling the house and wanted cheap, cheap, cheap. The rep absolutely refused to tell us which of his sample books was the cheapest product. I finally had to tell him straight out that our meeting was over unless he told us. He grudgingly pointed to one book. Two seconds later, we had our carpet picked out.

Then came the pricing. Oh my god! I don't need to know what the MRSP is. I don't need to know what private deal your not "authorized" to give me but will anyway and I certainly don't need to know about your friend that doesn't have a car so you had to drive him all the way in from Kitchener. I just want the bottom line.

Finally, we get the his "absolute, I promise you" bottom price. $5,400.00 including tax. We hadn't done any research yet, so we had no idea if that was a good price and we told him so. I actually saw sweat pop out on his forehead. "How much were you thinking of spending?" he asked. I pulled a very low figure out of my head and said, "$4,000.00". "Well, let me make a phone call and see what I can do."

WHAT THE HOLY CHEESE CRACKERS ARE YOU DOING?

He made his phone call and came back with $4,600.00 but he could give us another $350.00 off if we agreed to put a sign up outside out home for seven days. Then he leaned in close like the spies from Alexanian Carpet and Flooring had bugged the place and said, "Don't worry. As soon as the installers leave, you can remove the sign from outside. We'd never know."

HUH???

So, now we're at $4,250.00, down $1,150.00 from his "absolute, I promise you" bottom price. I wanted to try to get him down a little lower just to see if I could. Alas, The Perfect Man was tired and hot. He said, "We're not making any deals tonight. Leave it with us to do some research and we'll get back to you."

Then we got a sob story about how this guy gets a commission (aha, so there is room to go down more -- these are the company offered incentives and we haven't even touched your commission yet - oh but it's late and we're tired) and he drove all the way from Kitchener and he doesn't get any of his expenses back for that.....blah blah blah. So, he asked if we would sign the deal then do our research so he wouldn't have to come back again to do the paperwork "Not that I don't like you nice people, but the gas, you understand." So, we signed the deal to shut him up.

Today, The Perfect Man called and cancelled.

That's another two hours of my life I'll never get back. Between that and Ghost Ship, I'm watching my life float away.....