What's good for the goose....

A few years ago, I was with a group of people -- some I knew well and others I did not. The facilitator of the group asked a fairly simple question that required each of us to look inside ourselves to determine what kind of people we were and what motivated us. A pretty simple thing to ask of someone and it should be a fairly simple thing for someone to do.What it did for me was open a floodgate of feelings. My carefully built walls and barriers crumbled and allowed me to feel all the terror, hatred and self-loathing that I had hidden from for most of my life.

Suddenly, they all came from nowhere and filled my body, heart and soul. I sort of shut down at that point. I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. I didn't smile or laugh or participate much in life except by automatic response. Someone, thankfully, recognized what was going on and directed me to seek the support of a wonderful counsellor and I ended up seeing her for a couple of years. I'm probably not completely finished with that journey, but I did enough that I could go on and deal with life again. Now, I also have an amazing man in my life and I'm experiencing true trust for the first time.

Sounds pretty wonderful, huh? Except that I have been told that it’s mandatory for me to attend a function much like that one a few years ago. We’ve been given very little information about what to expect. Some people have bandied about such terms as “introspective exercises” and “searching within ourselves”. Those were the very same exercises we did a few years ago.

Now my concern has turned to outright terror. I’ve had trouble getting to sleep. When I do sleep, I’ve been having more nightmares than normal.It’s not about whether or not I want to participate. It’s not about being afraid of secrets or ulterior motives. It’s about recognizing my triggers and it’s about my desire to maintain the status quo.

Spiderman said “With great power comes great responsibility.” I can’t say it any better.