Songs of Life, Love & Laughter

Say It Ain't So

2009-02-27T07:41:00.001-05:00

I was watching the CHCH news this morning and Annette Hamm started a story with, "A man was found shot in an SUV that was left running...."

Have we gotten that blase about murder that they must add something that they think the public will react to.

Them: A man was found shot in an SUV.
Us: Yeah, whatever. Pass me the waffles.

OR

Them: A man was found shot in an SUV that was left running.
Us: Oh my god! Please tell me that they found it before it wasted too much gas. Oh, the poor SUV. Oh, and I never even thought of the people in the area that had to wake to all that polution. Oh, and what about the birds and other animals in the neighbourhood. Oh, what a shame!

Come to think of it, maybe we are that blase.

Welcome Nicholas Robert

2009-02-20T10:44:00.006-05:00

This is Nicholas Robert Timmons, born February 19, 2009, at 5:07 pm, weighing 8 lbs 6 oz. Mom, dad, baby, and baby brother are all doing fine.

So, yesterday I started the morning by preparing for some medical tests. I went to the clinic and was put through a battery of tests on all parts of my body. Each test was done in a different room and meant that I had to take my clothes off, have the test, put my clothes back on, go to another room, take off my clothes, have the test done.....and so it went. After the third such test, I said to the technician, "God, now I know what it's like to be a whore, except you're the one making the money here. Hey, does that make you my pimp?" I'll post later about the tests, once I get all the results. I will say that the worst fears have been put to rest and everything other possibility will simply be a minor inconvenience.

I got home from the clinic and was looking forward to resting. I checked my cell phone to see if I had missed any calls. There was a text message from my daughter, "Can you call me at home when you have a minute? All ok right now." So I called and she told me that she was in labour but it was light and sporadic. She said she had an appointment with her doctor that afternoon and she wondered if she should go. I said as long as she wasn't in heavy labour, she should keep the appointment and maybe the doctor could get things moving. I didn't want her to go alone, however, so I drove her and I watched Grandson number 1 while she was seeing the doctor. A while after Crystal went into the office, someone came out and asked if I were Crystal's mom. I said I was and she said "Crystal is 8 cm dialated. You need to take her to the hospital. Now. And don't stop". So all the necessary phone calls were made (her husband, my husband) and off we went. I arranged for Peter to meet me in front of the hospital. He jumped in my car and took Grandson number 1 to his other grandmother's house and then he went back to work.

Things happened pretty quickly from that point on. I won't get into the gritty details. It was planned that I was going to be in the room with Crystal when she delivered her baby, as I was for Grandson number 1. The problem was that I was appearing in a play. We had discussed this in advance and she was okay with the fact that I may not be there for the birth or that I would be late for it or that I would have to leave just before it, depending on what time she started. As long as her husband was with her. So, here we were in the delivery room together, no husband in sight and my "call time" for my play looming. Crystal was looking a little panicked. I said, "Don't worry. If Stevie doesn't arrive for whatever reason, nothing could drag me out of this room...play be damned". She let out a long-held breath. I had guessed exactly what she was thinking.

Stevie did arrive and at about 4:30 or so, I said, "Crystal, you have two choices if you want me to be here for the birth: you can deliver this baby by 5:30 or you can cross your legs and wait until 8:00 pm, when I get done with the play."

At 5:00 pm, the nurse came in and told Crystal that she was going to do a couple of "test pushes" to see how that went. Crystal gave one big push and the nurse said, "Okay sweetie. That's enough. I have to get the doctor".

At 5:07 pm, Grandson number 2 was born.

One thing I have to say about Crystal....she was always a good girl and listened to her mama!

********************
Note: The ladybug is symbolic of my grandmother and of my mother. We lost my mother in November and the ladybug was a huge source of comfort for me (see post: See You Later, Mom). Last night, I got home from the hospital (where I had gone after my play) and saw my cousin's status update on facebook "...is wondering why there is a ladybug crawling along my bathroom window....Also, congratulating my cousin Crystal and Steve on their new baby boy!!!!"

I was wondering when and how mom would show up.

It's Tough To Be Somebody

2009-02-03T14:26:00.006-05:00

I'm appearing in Black Box Fire's -- It's Tough To Be Somebody
at the Staircase Cafe Theatre 27 Dundurn St. North, Hamilton (map)

Friday, February 13 at 7:00 PM
Saturday, February 14 at 2:00 PM
Saturday, February 14 at 7:00 PM
Thursday, February 19 at 7:00 PM
Friday, February 20 at 7:00 PM
Saturday, February 21 at 2:00 PM
Saturday, February 21 at 7:00 PM

General tickets - $20.00
Student/Senior tickets - $18.00
Reserve online before February 11, 2009, to save $2.00

Pretty Tough and Alone is an engaging theatrical triple-header - great for chasing the February blues away! The evening begins with It's Tough To Be Somebody, a fast-paced comedy demonstrating the latest developments in fame awareness education. Then the winners of Black Box Fire's first monologue competition will perform, followed by PYG - a one-woman comedy about finding romance without losing yourself.

For information about a Valentine's dinner and show special -- click here

****

Video courtesy of:
Chris Farias, Creative Director
Kitestring Creative Marketing and Communications
Blog
Personal Website

Smoke-Free Groundhogs

2009-02-02T07:45:00.003-05:00

Four things happened on February 2, 1998:

Both Willie and Phil saw their shadows.
I woke with a feeling of dread.
I headed for the gym for my first workout.
I slapped on an anti-smoking patch after my workout.

Winter lasted another six weeks.

The feeling of dread lasted for a few months.

The gym lasted for about a year.

The smoking cessation lasted for 11 years -- and counting.

Here's Mud In Your Ear

2009-01-23T08:04:00.001-05:00

When I was younger (I'm not sure exactly what age but I was old enough to walk home from school by myself -- which was pretty young WAAAAAYYYYY back then), mom made appointments for me to see the ear specialist. I was just getting a check-up because I had chronic ear infections as a child.

Mom sent me to school with a note allowing me to leave school early. It was raining that day so she warned me "Don't walk through Burkholder School because it'll be full of mud". Now, why did she have to go and say that? She might as well have shaken the chicken bones and put a full-
blown curse on my head.

Both my teacher and I forgot to watch the time and I left school about 20 minutes later than I should have. I knew I had to get home quickly or mom was going to blow a gasket. I decided to cut through Burkholder School to save some time. (See? What'd I tell ya?).

About halfway across the field, I walked through a puddle and one of my feet sunk into the mud and it became stuck. No problem. I firmly planted the other foot and was able to get the stuck foot out. Only to find that the second foot was stuck instead. CRAP!!!! What the heck was I going to do? I did what any young girl would do...I screamed my ass off. I screamed until I was hoarse. Of course, no one heard me. I was too far from the school and it was mid-day. Everyone was still in school or taking advantage of the kids being in school. I imagine if any of the housewives heard me screaming, they just decided to ignore it until their "stories" were over.

Screaming didn't bring the police, fire and ambulance so I knew I had to try something else. I was wearing those boots that you put over shoes so I thought maybe I'd take the boots off and walk in my shoes. Nope. That would get my shoes all muddy and they were my new runners and mom would kill me. Scratch that idea.

AHA! It came to me. I bent at the waist, leaned way over and grabbed both feet at the toes with my hands and started pulling up. Yup. I was gonna pull both feet out of the mud at the same time. It was working too. I felt my toes lifting from the mud...WHOO HOO!

THUNK....SQUISH....

While I was bent over, I lost my balance and did a summersault to land flat on my back in the mud. I was completely covered in mud. Literally, mud from head to toe.

I think that was the first time I ever prayed for aliens to swoop down and scoop me up. Yeah, only the first time.

Cat-o-Log

2009-01-19T08:19:00.000-05:00

I love cats. I own four of them. Or they own me. Bear also loves cats. He's the one, however, that keeps me in check. When I see an incredibly cute cat that needs a loving home, Bear will say "Bernie, we have four cats already. We don't have room for any more." Of course, he means no room in our home because there is always enough room in our hearts to love more cats.

This past weekend, we went to the new PetSmart near our home. It's pretty big and I asked for directions to the cat food. As a gentleman was guiding me to the right isle, I lost Bear. I heard him say "Oh cats" and he was gone. I found the food and then went to find Bear because the bag was too big for me to lift. I found him at the "Adopt-a-thon". There were cages and cages of cats. He was standing in front of one cage that housed two black Siamese-cross cats. A woman came out of the back and said "You can go inside and hold them if you'd like." I politely said "Oh, no thanks. That's okay." Bear said "I'd like to". And that was the end of that.

We are now foster parents to the most adorable cats you have ever seen. They are both female and we think they are sisters.

Hugs (pictured above on your left) is approximately five years old and very, very loving. She loves to sit beside you or on you -- but does not like to be picked up. She's very calm and likes to be scratched.

Kisses (pictured above on your right) is approximately three years old and is also very, very loving. She is the more skittish of the two but, after a day and a half, is now integrated into our family. She also likes to sit with you and she loves to be scratched. She also does not like to be picked up.

Hugs and kisses were rescued from a cat hoarder. They are very close to one another and we are looking for a home for them together. They are litter trained. They get along very well with other cats and they are great with kids (our 18 month old grandson). They are spayed, have had their needles, and have been treated for fleas and worms.

We are fostering through Abandoned Cats Rescue.

If you are interested in these cats (or if you're interested in fostering), please send an email to bernie@bernieandbear.com and I can answer any questions you may have.

Stealing His Thunder

2009-01-16T08:14:00.000-05:00

Stealer is about 12 or 13 years old now. We're not sure exactly how old he is because he was a rescue. We've had him since (we guestimate) he was a year old. Stealer is (or was) our Alpha Male. If you look closely at his picture, you'll see that he has a chunk out of his right (your left) ear missing. That's from one of his many, many scraps.

Lately, Stealer has been slowing down. He still plays and he still gets into squabbles with the other cats (we have four altogether). But lately, he's been the one to back down. All three of the other cats have taken to showing Stealer his place. That's pretty normal when there is an "Alpha Male" position opening up. What's not normal is that Winnie has also been putting Stealer in his place. Until now, Winnie has been more of a female cat. He grooms the other cats, he cuddles them, and he's been the "mom".

Now, Stealer walks across the living room to get to his favourite spot on the heating vent and it's like crossing a battle field. One or another of the cats will stare him down until he turns away or take a swat at him and eventually pin him down until he he's able to get up and run away.

It's a sad thing to watch a leader fall from the podium. Sad until you remember that what they are doing to him, he did to them. Except he showed now mercy where they are showing some.

I've said it before and I'll say it again -- What goes around comes around so be nice to the other cats in your home.

Excuse Me if I Sound Bitter

2009-01-14T08:37:00.009-05:00

My brother and his wife are separated and have been since the summer. They have two children -- a young son and a daughter who is 18 (and five months pregnant).

When I spoke with my sister-in-flaw about the separation, she was angry. Okay, I get that. At one point, the conversation went like this:

Sister-in-flaw: Your brother is in for a big surprise. I'm going to screw him over.

Me: You do realize who you're talking to, don't you?

Sister-in-flaw: What?

Me: I'm his sister. I may still be friends with you but you are talking about my brother. I'm not going to get involved in your drama, but I'm also not going to sit idly by and watch my brother get screwed over by you.

Sister-in-flaw: But I thought you were on my side.

How dense do you have to be?

It did not end there. I mean that conversation ended, but her ability to amaze me didn't end.

When mom was in the hospital just before she passed away in November, my step-father managed to get hold of my sister-in-flaw and let her know (she had no telephone). Shortly after that, she called me to tell me how sorry she was. I appreciated that and I told her so. Then she started to launch into a laundry list of horrible things my brother was doing to her. I said, "I have enough going on in my life right now and I don't need to deal with your shit". And I hung up on her.

Still does not end there.

My brother had just left Edmonton to come home when my mother suffered her heart attack and we had no way of reaching him. As a family, the rest of us made the decision to remove my mother from life support but we also decided to give my brother one more day to arrive home to be there for it. My sister-in-flaw knew that and she knew we were going to be at the hospital the next day to remove my mother from life support. My brother made it on time and he was there with her at the end.

When he left the hospital, there were police officers waiting for him. His story (and I only have his side) is that they were there so that he could let them (and my sister-in-flaw) into the house so she could get her belongings. I'm not sure if there's more to that story or not -- but my brother did drive away in his own van -- not the police cruiser.

My sister-in-flaw thought it was appropriate to send the police to wait for my brother on the very day he just watched his mother die?!!!?

Still doesn't end there.

She decided that that was also an appropriate day to serve him with court papers for sole custody of their son.

Now I know why they invented the word "c*nt".

Oh Look, a Segue ..er.. Segway

2009-01-13T09:26:00.008-05:00

Just before Christmas, Bear and I went to the Dominican with two other couples. While there, we took a one-hour tour on a Segway. I absolutely loved it. I took to it like a duck to water. When we first started out, they had us on "turtle" mode -- meaning it had a governor and it wouldn't let us go fast. After about five minutes, we all got off the machines and they set them to a faster mode -- but not the fastest, I'm sure.

Bear and I loved going as fast as we could make it go. But the rest of the group wasn't really into that. So, Bear and I stayed at the back and we would go very, very slow to let everyone get ahead of us and then we'd open them wide open and catch up.

On one such maneuver, I was catching up to the person ahead of me. I didn't realize how quickly I was catching up until it was too late. There are no brake lights on those things and the person ahead of me slowed down almost to the point of stopping, very quickly. That wasn't hard because she hadn't been going very fast in the first place. I, on the other hand, had been going very fast (for a Segway).

There was no way I was stopping. I tried and I slowed down considerably. And I tried to turn to pass her instead of hitting her. As a result only one of my tires hit her tire. She was fine. She only felt a little bump. Had she been moving, it might have been worse for her. Me? I was moving.

I'm not sure exactly what happened then. But it all happened very, very quickly. I know one of my feet flew off the platform. Instead of trying to put it back on, I tried to jump off. But I couldn't jump off because my leg was wedged between the inside "hump" on the platform and the wheel hub. I was completely out of control. I saw myself heading for the bushes and a ravine (about six feet deep). Suddenly, I was airborne! I flew headfirst over the handles and into the ravine. I must have summersaulted because when I can to a stop (about four feet down) my head was facing up toward the road.

As soon as I came to a stop and took a breath to assure myself that I was indeed breathing, I yelled as loud as I could "I'm okay. I'm okay." I knew Bear would be panicking and I wanted to let him know that I was at least alive. Beyond that, I had no idea.

Suddenly, a bunch of Segway guides showed up, lifted me to my feet and hoisted me out of the ravine. I was okay. Nothing broken. I had a few scrapes on my lip and chin. I had a minor cut on my hand. My leg (where it had been wedged by the wheel well) had a goose egg sized lump on it. I had a half a missing baby toe nail and I had a little cut on the top of my foot. I think I got off really lucky.

When I thought about getting back on the Segway, I was terrified. For that reason, I said "Get me back on that thing while I still can". I got on. I was shaking and I was a little bit teary. But as I got going, the fear receded and I started to enjoy myself again. I even rode one the next day without a bit of fear.

The story does not end there. Our guide was maybe 20 years old. He was very, very sweet. He kept asking if I was okay and he kept apologizing. We stopped to take some pictures and again he kept apologizing and asking if I were okay. He also got out a first aid kit and was putting anti-bacterial something or other onto a piece of cotton as I was assuring him that it was not his fault and I was okay. I held my arms wide and said "Look at me. I'm fine." He smiled and took my hand. "See" I said, "It's just a little scratch. Doesn't hurt at all." He dabbed it with the cotton. I drew my hand back quickly and screamed,

"OH MY GOD! THAT HURTS! IT BURNS!"

He was horrified. Until I started laughing. "I'm just kiddding. It's fine". Thankfully, he also had a sense of humour. He laughed as well. But I think he may have pushed just a little bit harder with the cotton after that. GRIN

So, now the scrapes and cuts on my chin, lip, hand and foot have healed. My baby toe nail is growing back. The bruises from my leg have faded to almost nothing I only have a bit of pain if I roll over on that leg, but that is fading more and more each day.

But I have some great photos and a wonderful memory of my very first Segway ride.

See You Later, Mom

2009-01-09T08:49:00.009-05:00

On November 26, 2008, after a lengthy and courageous battle, mom quietly slipped away while surrounded by her loving family.

On the Thursday before she passed, I received a telephone call from my step-father because he had been in a minor car accident (no one was hurt) and he wanted me to come and get him and mom from the hospital (she was having a treatment) and then drive them both home. When I arrived, my step-father was still dealing with the police and waiting for a tow truck. I sat in the car for about an hour with mom, just chatting -- about nothing and about everything. I didn't know that would be my last real conversation with her. I've said it before and I will say it again and again, "Everything happens for a reason". What a gift I was given.

We had a Celebration of Life for mom at the Staircase. It seems most major events in my life take place there. My daughter told mom she would be a great-grandmother there. I've had various birthday parties there. I was married there. I celebrated my mom's life there.

I can't begin to guess how many songs I have sung at the Staircase. The first time mom heard me sing Cabaret, she told me that I had to sing that for her at her funeral. Of course, I told her I would do no such thing -- that would be inappropriate. She reminded me many times in the next few years of that wish. When the time came, I could not imagine standing in front of a roomful of people and singing Cabaret. I like the spotlight, but not that way. I did, however, find a compromise. I copied Liza Minelli's version to my iPod and printed 25 lyric sheets. We played the song and everyone sang along. Probably none louder than me, when I could. I know she heard it.

I also wrote something for my mom but was unable to read it at the celebration so Bear read it for me. I'd like to share it with you.

********

I remember sitting next to my mom at various family weddings as I was growing up. She would groan and roll her eyes through just about every speech there was. Inevitably I would hear her mutter, “Oh my god. Let’s just get to the good stuff.” So, I won’t take too much of your time.

First, I need to explain that the ladybug is a symbol of my grandmother, it’s a symbol of my mother and I hope one day it will be my symbol.

When I was young, my mom taught me a little verse:

Ladybug, ladybug, fly away home
Your house is on fire, your children are alone

I was horrified. I asked mom why a ladybug, why anyone, would leave their children alone and at risk of danger. Mom explained that mothers couldn’t always be there for children. It was impossible. She said the important thing to remember was that moms might not be there all the time, but they were only ever a whispered “Mom, I need you” away.

And she was. I didn’t even have to whisper it and mom knew. I’d be feeling down about something and my phone would ring. “Kimberly, what’s wrong” and we’d talk.

She’s still there for me now.

When mom had her heart attack, I came home from the hospital in the early afternoon after spending most of the night with mom. I was exhausted but pretty sure I wasn’t going to be able to sleep. I walked into my kitchen and found a wooden ladybug lying in the middle of the floor. It had fallen off a pencil that was stuck on my fridge with a magnet. I took that ladybug into the bedroom with me, put it on my night table next to me and I slept.

Then, just last week, I was leaving work early to pick up mom’s ashes. I was weepy and dreaded going. My car is red and it has a ladybug vanity licence plate. I stopped at a stop light and saw a woman in my review mirror approaching my window. I put it down a bit and she said “Oh my god. A ladybug. How very perfect. How it suits you. All the best to you and your family.” And she walked away laughing and going on about my ladybug car. And I felt better.

Yeah. She’s there for me.

I had a lot of trouble writing these words until I remembered that when I was growing up, I was never allowed to say good-bye to my mom. If I did, she’d say “Don’t say good-bye. Say, see you later”.

So, I love you mom and I’ll see you later.

********

I love you mom and I'll see you later.

The Key to Success

2009-01-08T08:56:00.005-05:00

My grandson, Doodle, is 17 months old. He was over on Christmas Day. We have a baby gate that we put up so he can't escape the living room (about the only room in our home that his toddler proofed at this point).

Doodle took a set of keys from Aunt Tee Tee and he took them over the baby gate. He put one of the keys into the handle that we push in order to remove the gate. When that didn't work, he went on to the next one. He tried each key, probably twice.

Then he stood there with the keys clenched in his tiny little fist and he said "nnnnnneeeeeeeennnnn", which sounded something like what Opa says when he can't get something to work the way he would like....without the swearing of course. Then he went back to trying each key again.

Yeah, he has a lot of his Opa in him.

Here I Am

2009-01-07T14:00:00.008-05:00

I am no longer blogging on Blog Spot. I mean, I am but it won't show up there anymore. I now post on my own web-site www.h2h-entertainment.com/blog.

I am mostly doing this post because it's a test to see how it works.

I also found out that Facebook will not let me import my blog via my own web site, so I'll just post to my provide whenever I update it.

Bernie Dream Phone

2008-04-24T09:16:00.004-05:00

I wasn't going to write about this because it's weird and people think I'm weird enough already, without confirming it for them.

But I told some people and they thought it was freaky -- but they also thought it was cool. So, at the risk of being shunned as a loonie (even more than I am now), here goes:

While The Perfect Man is in China, we communicate using Skype. During the evening on Tuesday, I kept Skype open on the computer in the office at home and cranked the volume so I would hear any alerts. Just before I went to bed, I turned the speakers off but left Skype running so The Perfect Man could write little love notes to me (as he often does).

Yesterday, something woke me up at 5:09 am. I wasn't sure what it was but thought it could have been a door opening or something falling. I picked up my cell phone and watched out the door in case I saw a light come on and I listened to see if I could hear anything else. I stayed that way until about 5:20 am, then figured it was one of the cats that made the noise. I tried to go back to sleep. Uh uh. No way. I tried until about 5:40 am and then thought I'd get up because I get up at 6:00 am anyway.

I went through my usual ritual:

pick up book and exit bedroom

go into spare bedroom and open blinds for the cats

go into bathroom and [removed for modesty's sake]

go into living room and turn on lights and put book down

go into kitchen and turn on lights, open curtains, and take pill

go into office, fire up the computer, sit down and check the usual stuff

WTF?!? There, as big as the computer screen would allow it to be, was a message from The Perfect Man.

Left at 5:09 am.

I checked the speakers -- they were off.

Bull on a China Stop

2008-04-21T15:54:00.003-05:00

At 2:45 pm this afternoon, my life ended.

Okay, nothing so dramatic. The Perfect Man left for China and will be gone until Sunday. Almost a complete week apart. I can't count the number of people that have said "Oh, it's only a week. I'd welcome the break" or words to that effect and always with a hint of jealously - "You lucky dog" written all over their faces. I don't understand that attitude. I really don't. I understand the whole needing space and needing your own time. I enjoy it -- in small doses. But eventually I miss him like crazy. And that only takes about...oh....ten minutes or so.

And, of course, all those nasty thoughts have gone through my head about a jazillion times. You know the thoughts. I'm not going to give voice to them by writing them here but they are the worst possible thoughts to have when a loved one is about to get on an airplane. It doesn't help that this morning, we had "the talk". You know the one -- location of important papers, computer passwords, which cat gets his favourite shirt. -- that kind of thing. {{{{shudder}}}} A necessary evil, but necessary all the same.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I love The Perfect Man and I hope he has a very safe and happy trip.

Smoke and Mirrors

2008-04-03T22:19:00.002-05:00

My mother was diagnosed the lung cancer a number of years ago. Seems hard to believe that you can put those words together in one sentence and then go on to say that she's still living. But she is. And I'm very, very grateful.

Easter Sunday, mom came to the house for an Easter Buffet (with the rest of our family). Mom wasn't feeling very well and said she had a touch of bronchitis. On Monday evening, my step-father called and said that mom had been taken to hospital because she had started coughing and could not get her breath. He said her oxygen levels were very low.

Tuesday morning I went to visit her. She was still in emergency because they didn't have a bed for her. While I was there, the lung specialist came in. He proceeded to give her royal what for because -- and this will be hard to believe but after 8 years with lung cancer -- my mother still smokes. Yeah. She smokes. Cigarettes. The very things that have given her a death sentence to begin with.

I found out two other very important things that morning.

1. My mother has COPD -- short for Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease. It's cumulative and not curable. The most you can hope for is to slow it down and (sometimes) reverse its effects a little. The doctor said she could still live years with her cancer but she only had months with COPD if she continued to smoke.

2. My mother has been under the impression that she has lung cancer because cancer runs in her family. In her mind, cigarettes had nothing to do with it and she was going to get it any way. At least, that's what she told herself. I guess on some level it's easier to swallow than the knowledge that you signed your own death certificate.

We were all guilty of much the same thing. When mom was diagnosed with lung cancer, she made a good honest try to quit smoking. Then she slowly went back to it....pretty much with everyone's blessing. Our attitude was more of "Well, the damage is done now and she has so little else to look forward to and it's so hard to quit and and and and" so on and so on and so on. What none of us considered (or admitted to ourselves more like) was that she was speeding up the clock (or maybe running down the clock much quicker) by continuing to smoke.

She has quit. I threw away the cigarettes she had at the hospital. My step-father gave away the cigarettes she had at home and he cleaned and put away her ashtray. My brother (who usually picked up her cigarettes for her) has agreed that he will not do that any more.

She has quit. It may have been one of her joys in life and it may be the hardest thing for her to do. But I'm selfish. We're all selfish. Damn right I expect her to do it.

She has quit.

I'm not ready to say good-bye.

What's good for the goose....

2007-10-23T16:02:00.000-05:00

A few years ago, I was with a group of people -- some I knew well and others I did not. The facilitator of the group asked a fairly simple question that required each of us to look inside ourselves to determine what kind of people we were and what motivated us. A pretty simple thing to ask of someone and it should be a fairly simple thing for someone to do.What it did for me was open a floodgate of feelings. My carefully built walls and barriers crumbled and allowed me to feel all the terror, hatred and self-loathing that I had hidden from for most of my life.

Suddenly, they all came from nowhere and filled my body, heart and soul. I sort of shut down at that point. I stopped eating. I stopped sleeping. I didn't smile or laugh or participate much in life except by automatic response. Someone, thankfully, recognized what was going on and directed me to seek the support of a wonderful counsellor and I ended up seeing her for a couple of years. I'm probably not completely finished with that journey, but I did enough that I could go on and deal with life again. Now, I also have an amazing man in my life and I'm experiencing true trust for the first time.

Sounds pretty wonderful, huh? Except that I have been told that it’s mandatory for me to attend a function much like that one a few years ago. We’ve been given very little information about what to expect. Some people have bandied about such terms as “introspective exercises” and “searching within ourselves”. Those were the very same exercises we did a few years ago.

Now my concern has turned to outright terror. I’ve had trouble getting to sleep. When I do sleep, I’ve been having more nightmares than normal.It’s not about whether or not I want to participate. It’s not about being afraid of secrets or ulterior motives. It’s about recognizing my triggers and it’s about my desire to maintain the status quo.

Spiderman said “With great power comes great responsibility.” I can’t say it any better.

Song's Gift To Me

2007-10-16T13:40:00.000-05:00

I know of a drop-in group for young teens who are living on their own with no families and no family support. They meet once a week and have guests and they learn things like budgeting. Once in a while, they get to do fun things. They had a couple of fund raisers for themselves and earned money to go to Canada's Wonderland as a group.

Peter and I volunteered our services and ran karaoke for a night back in May. It touched me on so many levels. I think the best part of it, for me, was watching the kids support and encourage each other. There was not one single "boo" when someone went off-key. There was a lot of laughter and several mighty cheers as each person finished singing. I choked up many times while I was standing back and watching.

Today, I received one of the best emails I think I have ever recevied. The drop-in just celebrated it's first anniversary. The kids were asked to vote and our karaoke night was selected as Favourite Guest/Activity and they've asked us back.

Those who know me, know that I revel in giving the gift of song. It's why I run karaoke. Every once in a while, song gives me a gift back. This is one of those times.

CH Morning Dive

2007-07-18T07:30:00.000-05:00

Last night at 11:00 pm, The Perfect Man boarded a plane for Brazil and was scheduled to land around 8:30 am. This morning, I woke up and turned on the news. The first thing I heard, was "Coming up, we'll tell you about a plane that went down in Brazil killing 190 passengers."

WHAT???

Okay, calm down. What are the chances? No, this can't be. Please god, this can't be. Wait, I don't believe in god. Why don't I believe in god? Please, please, please, this can't be.

Then, finally, the segment came on. They didn't give much more information on the segment other than that the plane hit a gas station and there were bodies strewn everywhere.

WHAT???

What flight number? Where did the flight originate? How many Canadians on board? Was The Perfect Man listed as one of the survivors? Oh wait, there were no survivors.

NO SURVIVORS!!!!

I ran to the computer and went to American Airlines and punched in the information for his flight.

Status: on time

But would they put online that the plane had crashed? Probably not. My god, why don't I believe in god?

I googled "Brazil plane crash" and the first hit was a story from 2006.

C'mon!

I finally found the story from today and learned that it was a flight to Sao Paulo and The Perfect Man flew to Rio.

{{{slump}}} Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Unclench fingers. Stop biting lip. {{{ouch}}} Blood. Where did that come from? Ahhhh I'm feeling a little lightheaded.

I realize that my relief pales in comparison to the grief that must be felt by those that loved the ones who actually died in the crash in Sao Paulo. My heart goes out to each and every one of them.

Fortino's - Supermarket With the Smarts

2007-06-27T07:00:00.000-05:00

The Perfect Man and I purchased a screened gazebo at Fortino's in mid-April, which we erected, according to instructions, in our backyard.

One day we came home from work to find the gazebo on its roof. One support bar had snapped completely off and the other was off on one side, and broken on the other. As well, one of the support bars had punctured the tarp.

I sat down at my computer and I wrote a letter to the managers of Fortino's and explained what had happened. I told him that, although I still had my bill, I no longer had the packaging for the gazebo. I faxed that letter yesterday. At approximately 7:45 this morning, the manager called me and told me to bring back the gazebo and he would "make it right".

Fortino's will stand behind their products.

An Elephant Never Forgets....

2007-06-19T07:55:00.000-05:00

I normally wouldn’t post a story like this, especially because I can’t confirm if it’s true (and it’s probably not true); however, it’s very interesting nonetheless.

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Membe never forgot that
elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mbembe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mbembe's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant....

Choke the Chicken

2007-06-14T07:28:00.001-05:00

The building I work in has undergone some major renovations. So major, that we're having a "Grand Reopening and Rededication" Ceremony. All the mucky-mucks will be touring so we all have to make sure that our offices our cleaned and our half-naked fireman calendars are out of sight.

Management has hired someone to put "artwork" up on our walls. Some woman poked her head in my office yesterday, and despite the fact that I was on the phone she asked "Do you want a goose or a pelican?" I pointed to the phone. "Oh sorry" she said. Then continued "I just wondered if you wanted a goose or a pelican". This time I covered the phone and said, "I'm on the phone." Good. Now she understands. "Oh. Okay. Just tell me if you want a goose or a pelican."

I swear, I am not making this up.

I asked my called to hold for a moment and I said, "I have absolutely no opinion one way or another. You can do whatever you want." Then I got up and closed my office door.

She put the goose up (the first picture above). That picture is a copy of the actual print that's hanging outside my office door. Everytime I look at it, I think of men masturbating (choking the chicken).

I actually got off easy. A vast majority (at least 98%) of the prints hanging in our building are birds. Of those, probably 80% are birds killing other animals (the second picture above). Most of them are pretty dark and some of them are actually pretty scary for adults.

Keep in mind that I work in an industry and has much contact with children. Children who will walk through our halls. Children who have already witnessed too much in their short lives.

EDITED TO ADD: I just noticed that there is a second goose in the print and he actually appears to be giving "head" to the first goose. For the love of humanity....

Empire Strikes Out

2007-06-13T08:30:00.000-05:00

Last night, The Perfect Man and I met with a sales representative from Empire Carpet and Flooring. Those "perfect" sales techniques they insist their reps use are the very reason I will never deal with that company. I'd suggest if you don't like to get the "runaround" and hear incredible stories about other people choosing the very carpet you just pooh-poohed, then don't ever make that 1-800 call.

We told the rep that we were selling the house and wanted cheap, cheap, cheap. The rep absolutely refused to tell us which of his sample books was the cheapest product. I finally had to tell him straight out that our meeting was over unless he told us. He grudgingly pointed to one book. Two seconds later, we had our carpet picked out.

Then came the pricing. Oh my god! I don't need to know what the MRSP is. I don't need to know what private deal your not "authorized" to give me but will anyway and I certainly don't need to know about your friend that doesn't have a car so you had to drive him all the way in from Kitchener. I just want the bottom line.

Finally, we get the his "absolute, I promise you" bottom price. $5,400.00 including tax. We hadn't done any research yet, so we had no idea if that was a good price and we told him so. I actually saw sweat pop out on his forehead. "How much were you thinking of spending?" he asked. I pulled a very low figure out of my head and said, "$4,000.00". "Well, let me make a phone call and see what I can do."

WHAT THE HOLY CHEESE CRACKERS ARE YOU DOING?

He made his phone call and came back with $4,600.00 but he could give us another $350.00 off if we agreed to put a sign up outside out home for seven days. Then he leaned in close like the spies from Alexanian Carpet and Flooring had bugged the place and said, "Don't worry. As soon as the installers leave, you can remove the sign from outside. We'd never know."

HUH???

So, now we're at $4,250.00, down $1,150.00 from his "absolute, I promise you" bottom price. I wanted to try to get him down a little lower just to see if I could. Alas, The Perfect Man was tired and hot. He said, "We're not making any deals tonight. Leave it with us to do some research and we'll get back to you."

Then we got a sob story about how this guy gets a commission (aha, so there is room to go down more -- these are the company offered incentives and we haven't even touched your commission yet - oh but it's late and we're tired) and he drove all the way from Kitchener and he doesn't get any of his expenses back for that.....blah blah blah. So, he asked if we would sign the deal then do our research so he wouldn't have to come back again to do the paperwork "Not that I don't like you nice people, but the gas, you understand." So, we signed the deal to shut him up.

Today, The Perfect Man called and cancelled.

That's another two hours of my life I'll never get back. Between that and Ghost Ship, I'm watching my life float away.....

Joss Whedon on "Violence Against Women" a MUST read

2007-05-25T07:44:00.000-05:00

Thank you to Craig for sharing this.

Click here for an incredible message from Joss Whedon.

The Door Closes -- Finally

2007-05-03T14:36:00.001-05:00

Once upon a time I had two best friends, Michelle and Kellie. They were first friends of the Adult and I met them through him.

I lost them in the divorce. It always bothered me that I lost them. I just never understood. I never would have dreamed of putting them, or trying to put them, in the middle. I never, ever would have bad-mouthed The Adult. I bad-mouth him all the time, but I had the courtesy and common-sense of not doing it with his friends. (If any of his friends are reading this, you do so by your own choice. This is my blog and I'll say anything I want in here. Same goes for the Adult, should you find your way in here.)

Anyway, I found out that The Adult told them lies. Seems the fact that he was an immature, thoughtless jerk who blamed me for my own childhood sexual abuse wasn't enough of a reason for us to get a divorce. I confronted him about the lies and reminded him why I asked for a divorce (without actually using the words " immature" or thoughtless jerk". He admitted that he was "probably wrong" about the lies he told and then made the statement that vindicates my calling him "The Adult" -- "if you wouldn't have broken us up when you did, I probably would have soon". You go man and while you're at it, why don't you tell your boss, "You can't fire me, I quit". Ass!

So, back to Kellie and Michelle. I wrote to them both recently. I swallowed my pride and I poured out my heart and soul. I said things that humiliated me; things I had only spoken of to The Perfect Man and in my journal.

I wasn't expecting an immediate reunion or apologies or anything but I also wasn't expecting to be completely ignored. Well, I wasn't actually completely ignored.....they each sent me a message. Kellie's was directed to me. Michelle's was directed to Crystal but the message to me was very, very clear. I think they must have spoken to each other first, because they said basically the same thing. That's right ladies, just because you sent the messages 12 hours apart doesn't mean you fooled me. Anyway, the message was very deliberate in ignoring the issue and simply said they would be there for Crystal and the baby. Must have taken hours to figure out how to come off sounding so non-chalant.

Why do I feel like I'm standing in the middle of a school yard?

I know I sound bitter, but I'm really just having fun with this -- now. They hurt me terribly in the past. But that's where it is. It's been over four years since I've seen either one of them. I no longer miss them. There's nothing they can offer me that would enrich my life. I put in my letter that I wasn't really expecting anything to change but in a perfect world they would realize how little I deserved their contempt. In hindsight, I probably never should have written the letter because if they had acted on it, I'm not sure the continued friendship would have worked.

I've been trying to figure out why I actually wrote the letter. Did I really want them back as friends? Part of me did, I guess. But I think the biggest reason I wrote that letter was simply to have my say. They never gave me that chance and I took it when an opportunity presented itself. If my letter had opened a diolgue, I don't know what would have happened. I'm almost afraid now to find out. This really is the only way things could have turned out. Today, I sent them both a note and thanked them for the closure. And I meant it. I don't have to stew about what I could have said or done to get them "back". I said it. They refused to listen. As The Perfect Man says, "their loss". I agree.

Good-bye Michelle and Kellie. It was fun while it was appropriate.

I am content.

An Easy Mark

2007-04-23T07:49:00.000-05:00

When Bob was in kindergarten, he came home from school very excited because there was going to be a book fair. He had gone through the books on display and he had made a "wish list" of books he wanted. He and I went through that list and we whittled it down so it would cost me about $10.00 instead of the $54.00 he had wanted me to spend. I totally agree you can't put a price on eduction and I know how important books are.....but the library's free and I was on a very limited budget then (single mom raising two kids with no help from the Blob). So, off he went to school with his modified wish list and a $20.00 bill. I cannot stress enough how much I could not afford even one of those books without juggling the grocery list.

Along with his other redeeming qualities, my son is generous. At five years of age, he thought I was the best mother in the world because I was letting him buy those books. He was so pleased that he decided to buy me a present. I loved horses, so he searched through the book mark rack very, very carefully - but alas, he could find no horse. What he did find was a winged unicorn, which is really just a horse with wings and a horn. So, he bought it. For me. As a gift. With my $2.59, he bought it. For me. With $2.59 that I could not afford. Really. I could not afford it. But he bought it. For me.

As you can see from the picture of the book mark. It's been loved. I have used that book mark in every book I have read since I received it. I once left my book on top of the car when I left the house -- I came home at the end of the day and the book was gone, but my book mark was lying right there on the ground. I even left my book on the GO bus once, but got it and my book mark back - didn't much care if I got the book back.

There's not much left of the book mark. Just a small piece of the purple pom-pom left. And the words that are inscribed on it are barely legible now. Words that he didn't even know how to read and didn't bother to ask anyone. Words that I took into my heart that day in 1987

Anything is possible, if only you believe

Best Friends

2007-04-09T05:59:00.001-05:00

The Perfect Man and I have THE best group of friends in the whole world!

This past weekend, we moved the last of our belongings from our old house to our new house (and took a load to the dump). We had initially lined up my son to help us (with his big-ass truck) and that was it. We didn't ask any of our friends because we didn't want to "waste the resources" because we intend to ask for help when we're painting and laying new flooring, etc. However, this past Thursday we did ask.

And on Saturday, they all showed up. At 9:00 am, no less.

So, to Bob, Craig, Wayne, Cory, Ash, Gary and Jerry: We cannot thank you all enough. Thank you for getting up early. Thank you for putting your backs out. Thank you for braving the cold. Thank you for always being there.

2007-04-02T07:34:00.000-05:00

Remember the post May Pieces of Chocolate Be With You?

Warpfish sent me this link and I was very happy to see that I'm not the only one.

On a side note, my office building caught fire this weekend. Witnesses say they saw a chocolate covered man wearing a long robe running from the scene. One witness claims the full-bearded man could be heard laughing maniacally and shouting, "Ha! See if they exclude me from their advent window again!"

For the record, offices around me were destroyed. My office: nothing.

Attic Attack

2007-03-27T08:18:00.000-05:00

This is Lisa and her husband Brad (Lisa is the one on the right). Lisa currently lives in Montreal. Before that, she lived in Green Bay, Wisconsin.

This weekend, Lisa was in Hamilton and I got to spend time with her and her three adorable children (two of whom I had never met before). Lisa and I were best friends growing up. She was my Maid of Honour when I married The Blob, but I promised not to hold that against her.

When we were young, we used to tell people we were twins (yes, we looked that much alike). As we got older and started not to look like each other, we told people we were sisters. In fact, once when we were in Florida together, we were the daughters of a rich Texan oil tycoon, complete with cheesy Texan accents.

When I was about 12 and Lisa was about 10, my family moved into a new house and the entrance to the attic was in my room. It was a piece of plywood over the hole in the ceiling and it was just inside the doorway to my room. When it was windy, the plywood would rattle and jump. Lisa used to sleep over quite a bit. One morning, when I woke up it was very windy outside. I woke Lisa up and told her that I had been practicing moving things with my mind, but that I was not very good at it and I needed her help. I told her I was trying to lift the cover on the attic and I asked her to concentrate on doing it. It didn't take long.

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Her scream woke my parents. It was worth it though to watch Lisa try to work out the dilemma. "How the hell do I get out of this room without running under the attic?"

Street Meat

2007-03-26T08:29:00.000-05:00

I work beside the Budget Motel. This particular motel is used for drug deals and rooms can be rented by the day, week, hour or minute and is mostly used by those in the "oldest" profession.

Last summer, someone parked a sausage cart in a corner of the parking lot and some of my co-workers would sometimes go over and get lunch.

Today, one of the my co-workers said to me, "I got one of those sausages last year and guess what I found?

I smiled slightly, looked as innocent as I could manage and said, "A man attached to it?'

Wheel of Fortunate

2007-03-23T08:21:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was the day that a car dealership mechanic attempted to murder my son. Thankfully, the attempt failed.

Let's call the dealership "Chalor Trysler" to avoid possible lawsuits.

My son drives a Dodge Sprinter as part of his job. His boss told him to take his vehicle in for service. It needed $2,400.00 worth of ball joint and axel work. Bob picked up the truck when it was ready and he headed home. He was almost there and the wheel flew off.

FLEW .... RIGHT .... OFF .... THE .... TRUCK!

Bob managed to keep control of the vehicle and got it stopped without hurting himself or anyone else. He called a tow truck and had it taken back to the dealership. The tow truck operator told him that the mechanic had neglected to tighten the nuts on the wheel and that's why it flew off.

I know I'm being irrational. I know I'm just reacting like a mother bear protecting her cub. I know that. Yet, I would still like nothing more than to go and tighten the nuts of that mechanic.

Boo Yah!

Blush with Fame

2007-03-22T07:43:00.001-05:00

The Perfect Man and I went to the premier of the Shooter with Mark Wahlberg last night. Well, we weren't with Mark Wahlberg, but he was in the movie. The premier was sponsored by Y108 and CH Television. Bob Cowan (from CH Morning Live) sat behind us. The Perfect Man introduced himself to Bob Cowan because he was an engineer at CH TV for 20 years and he had a question for Bob about Connie Smith. After his question was answered, we had a very enjoyable chat with Bob. He is a very funny man and very quick on his feet (er...in his seat).

This morning, the Perfect Man and I were watching CH Morning Live and Bob sent a hello to the two of us.

Yeah, I'm taking it. I'm such a spotlight hound.......

May Pieces of Chocolate Be With You

2007-03-20T07:45:00.000-05:00

At my job, we only provide services for people who are catholic or who plan to raise their children catholic. Does that mean that god only loves catholic children? Well, that's another post.

We have an advent window at my work. Easter is THE BIGGEST religious holiday.

Is our window decorated with Christ on a crucifix or Christ sitting at the right hand of god? Nope. We have a window full of cute bunnies, easter eggs and daffodils. Yeah, because they truly send the message that Christ died to open the door to heaven. I know, maybe he plans to drop chocolate easter eggs to leave a trail for all the good catholics to follow......

I thought maybe our advent window could be reflective of both themes. We could put a chocolate Christ on a crucifix.

There is one problem with this plan. On the third day, the chocolate would disappear and all that would be left is the wrapping......

Yes, Dammit I am Disappointed

2007-03-19T07:35:00.000-05:00

I was disappointed. I was let down. My feelings were hurt. I felt like I didn't matter. I felt like my feelings didn't matter.

It feels good to say that. I have this annoying trait that does not allow me to say that to the person or persons who make me feel this way.

"It's okay. It's not really important anyway."

"I don't mind. It's fine."

"That? It meant nothing. No worries."

Or even worse, I make jokes about my feelings.

I'm even thinking of not publishing this post in case someone reads it and thinks they were the cause of my disappointment.

So, just let me say "This is just a post. It's not really important anyway. It meant nothing. No worries."

'Scuse Me

2007-03-16T07:55:00.000-05:00

I have discovered this thing called "Facebook". I will be back here soon.

Gas Boycott

2007-03-13T07:01:00.000-05:00

There is a family that owns a local used car lot. They have a website where they are proposing to boycott the five major gas companies. Their plan is to boycott one for 30 days and then go on to the next until they've boycotted each one.

Here's why I think that won't work: The company that is initially boycotted is going to feel the brunt of it. They may even go out of business. Or they may work out a deal with the other four companies to supply gas to them during the "tough times" and do buy from them when their turn is over. During this period, the other four companies will have significantly increased business.

Secondly, the boycott is not asking everyone to boycott ALL gas. That would be ridiculous, but it's the only thing that would work. The four companies that are not being targeted will likely decide to raise their prices so they can get a huge profit so they can ride out their time of boycott.

I appreciate what this family has done to try to get prices back in line; I just don't think this is the right way to do it.

The Devlin Show

2007-03-12T08:29:00.000-05:00

This weekend, a very good friend of mine realized his dream. He launched what I hope will be the first of many shows. It was very, very funny and the time just flew by and I was sad to see it end. Of course, he didn't do it alone. Mike, Lesley, Mart and Ron were Devlin's supporting cast and I was very proud of them as well.

The best part of the night for me was when Devlin thanked his audience for supporting him. He could hardly hold back the tears, he was so overwhelmed. The love in the room was palpable.

Devlin, I am so very proud of you for having the courage to follow your dreams. You are one of the strongest, funniest, loving, caring people that I know. You have enriched my life as you enrich the lives of everyone around you.

God of Convenience

2007-03-09T08:24:00.000-05:00

Wow. Yesterday was the first funeral I have gone to since I stopped believing in god. It made me realize that there is no comfort in death when you don't believe in god. I am a humanist. That means, I believe that everything that happens comes from within people. That doesn't mean I'm not spiritual or a good person. It just means that I don't believe in an "outside" or "higher" power. It also means that I have no idea what happens when we die. I have my theories but they tend to change with the alignment of the planets or the colour of my underwear. I don't believe that life necessarily ends with death, just the life that we presently know.

Not believing in god does not mean that I don't see the benefit of believing in god. My mother is dying of cancer. She believes in god. In fact, she makes pilgrimages to Midland to pray and to receive prayer cards. She takes a lot of comfort from those trips. She even gains strength from them when she's not feeling very well.

It would be nice if I could be secure in the knowledge that my mom would be going to a wonderful place filled with angels; where she would meet up with her family that had passed before her.

That made me think of all the gods that have been created in the past. Various gods were used to explain things such as why the crops failed or why someone did or did not become pregnant, etc. A god was a convenient explanation. Then someone decided that it was too hard to keep track of all the various gods, so one omnipotent being was created to explain things and to keep society in line. Oversimplified, but it makes my point.

Oh yes, god is the ultimate "Boogey Man".

"Children, don't do bad things or god won't let you go to heaven."

"Parents, make sure your children are baptized in our church or they won't go to heaven."

"Society, follow the rules or you won't go to heaven."

In fact, not only won't you get to heavan....you will go to {{{{gulp}}}} HELL.

Unfortunately, some of the "rules" of god were used to keep money coming into the church rather than to keep people in line -- but that's another rant.

Bradley James

2007-03-07T08:17:00.000-05:00

My nephew passed away on Friday due to complications from a heart transplant he received the previous Wednesday. Tomorrow is his funeral and I have the impossible task of offering comfort to his mother.

BJ was 28 years old.

How do you tell a mother that there is any justification in losing her son at that age, at any age?

BJ had heart problems from the time he was a baby. His doctors kept telling, first his mother and then him, "Don't do this because you could die" and "Don't do that because you could die". When BJ got older, he told his mother that he would be happy to die a young man who had done the things he wanted to do and who had experienced life rather than die an old man who had spent his life sitting in a chair by a window.

I know that's the right attitude and I know I should be happy that he had some time to experience life and that he lived (and died) the way he wanted.

I know I should be happy. But I'm a mother too and I know Sonia is wishing for the man sitting in the chair right now.

BJ, you were loved and you will be missed!

H2H is Alive and Well and Living on the Web

2007-03-05T08:15:00.000-05:00

My web site is up and running and I couldn't have done it without the help of The Perfect Man.

Please check it out and let me know what you think. Make sure you check out the photo gallery. You may be there.....

www.h2h-entertainment.com

Hard To Digest

2007-02-23T08:14:00.000-05:00

When Crystal was little, I took her and her brother to Swiss Chalet. I ordered a kid's chicken dinner for each of them. Crystal was a very picky eater and I had to constantly encourage her to eat more. The kid's meal at Swiss Chalet comes with a kid-sized sundae so I used that, "C'mon Crystal, just three more bites and you can have some ice cream." It worked. And she didn't know her numbers yet so I actually tricked her into "three more bites" a couple of times.

Finally, I deemed that she had eaten enough and I let the waitress clear her plate away. The waitress said, "You did really well. Would you like your ice cream sundae?"

Crystal's little bottom lip started to quiver and a huge tear welled up in one eye and slowly slid down one cheek and she said, "I want my ice cream now."

Crystal was still too young to understand the concept of the days of the week; however, she did know the word "someday" and to her "someday" meant any day that was not "right now".

Note: I was in the doctor's office one day leafing through an old copy of Reader's Digest and what do I find? My story. This story. Someone else got paid for my experience. Grrr! Oh well, she got the money for the story. I have Crystal and the many memories we have together. I win!

KF See I Told You I Was Evil

2007-02-22T08:06:00.000-05:00

I have a number of friends (and fellow improvisors) who claim to be evil. Let me tell you my tale:

The Perfect Man and I went to KFC the other night. We ordered a combo deal and told the counter clerk we didn't want the gravy that came with it.

As she was packing our order, she remembered what we had said and she turned to the window behind her and said, "I don't need no gravy".

We took our food and as we exited the building, I looked up at The Perfect Man and deadpan said, "And that is why she works here and I work at the place where she visits her children".

EVIL. I AM EVIL, I SAY!!!

Blood Blank

2007-02-21T08:21:00.000-05:00

I work in the legal department of a child welfare agency and yesterday we were confronted with the problem of a family who would not allow a blood transfusion for their baby because it went against their religion.

My problem with the whole thing is our government tells us that we have the right to practice our religion but then they put into place a system that allows someone to intervene in the event they don't agree with a tenet of that religion.

But then The Perfect Man pointed out that there is no problem with anyone practicing their religion and living by their beliefs so long as those beliefs do not impact the life or well-being of anyone else.

I guess.

An innocent baby is not able to make an informed decision.

The decision being made for that baby by the parents would condemn that baby to death, but his or her immortal soul would have a chance on the "other side".

The decision being made for that baby by "us" would condemn the immortal soul of that baby, but would allow the baby to live this life.

I don't believe in god, heaven or religion of any sort. But I do believe in allowing others to believe in what they believe in.

But then, I also cannot sit idly by and see a child die needlessly.

Grrrrr! I hate seeing both sides.

Mama's Magic Eyes

2007-02-20T08:24:00.000-05:00

When I was young, it didn't matter what I did wrong in our neighbourhood, my mom found out about it. Even the simplest little thing. I'd be greeted with "Kimberly, how many times have I told you not to ......". Whenever I asked how she knew, she told me she had magic eyes and could see me wherever I was.

One of the rules I grew up with was that we always came home after school and then we could go to a friend's house to play. One day, I decided to just go to my friend's house. I felt a twinge of guilt because this was a house I didn't normally go to and it was two whole blocks away from my house....but I comforted myself with the knowledge that my mom could just use her magic eyes and find me and know I was okay.

Please believe me. I was not being smart or sarcastic or "getting back" at my mom. I was too young and hadn't yet honed that particular skill set yet. No, I truly, truly believed that my mother would know where I was.

Of course, she didn't. And she was furious with me when I walked in the door for dinner. Furious until I said those words, "But mom, why didn' t you use your magic eyes?"

And so ended the illusion. Mom fessed up. It was the neighbours who had been spilling the beans on me all along. Damn, nosy neighbours!

Flat On My Back -- But Not In The Good Way

2007-02-16T08:14:00.000-05:00

I know there have been no posts in a while. I've been very much under the weather. I'm at work today, but everyone (including my tummy) is telling me to go home. If I could figure out a way to bring a washroom stall with me, I'd listen.

I hope to be back soon so keep checking in.

Turn That Frown Upside Down

2007-02-12T08:29:00.000-05:00

An incredibly excited and emotional woman won the trip to Cuba. No, it wasn't me.

In order to make myself feel better, I started mentally reviewing the things I'm thankful for and I don't have a thing to be disappointed about in this life. In fact, I am one of the luckiest people I know.

Of course, Cuba would have been nice........

Take Your Radio to Cuba

2007-02-09T13:11:00.000-05:00

A couple of weeks ago, I registered with a local radio station, K-Lite FM, for a cash and trips contest.

Today they called my name at 9:00 am. One of my co-workers tracked me down in the training room, and another co-worker came and got me. I called the station and -- WHAM -- I won $102.90 (K-Lite is heard on 102.9).

The best part is I'm now qualified to win a trip to Cuba. The draw takes place on Monday morning at 8:15 am (I have a one in 21 chance of winning). I'll keep you posted!

As a side note -- I took my two co-workers out to lunch. Thanks guys!

As a second side note -- another of my co-workers actually won the trip (to the Dominican) last Monday.

You Say Potato

2007-02-07T08:29:00.000-05:00

When I was in grade one, my parents bought a camping trailer. After school on a Friday, we packed up the car and we headed off for a fun-filled weekend of camping. I caught my first fish that weekend. On Sunday, we packed the car back up and headed home; exhausted, but happy.

My teacher had us all tell each other what we did on the weekend. When my turn arrived, this exchange took place (more or less):

Me: We took our new trailer [from Hamilton, Ontario, Canada] to California for the weekend.

Teacher: You took your trailer where?

Me: California.

Teacher: I don't think that's possible, Kimberly. California is too far away.

Me: No it's not. That's where we went.

The teacher allowed me to continue my tale and I told everyone about my fish.

She was perplexed though. Before that day, I was not generally known to tell "stories" so she called my mom. She asked my mom why on earth I would be insisting tha we had driven to California for the weekend. Mom started laughing hysterically.

"We didn't go to California for the weekend. We went to Caledonia."

I am pleased to introduce -- My Grandbaby

2007-02-05T08:14:00.000-05:00

Can you see his or her ear? He or she looks just like me, don't you think?

No Smoking, Please

2007-02-02T08:14:00.000-05:00

I quit smoking 9 years ago today.

Premature Evacuation

2007-02-01T08:21:00.000-05:00

In a post called Life? With Harry, I told you all about our ghost and said that he had "moved on".
I think I was premature in my assessment.

One night after that post, The Perfect Man and I were home watching television. Our cat Winnie was on the couch with The Perfect Man and Stealer was stretched out on the floor. Winnie suddenly sat upright like he was....er....spooked. He bolted off the couch and almost ran into Stealer, which spooked Stealer.

Just as all of this was playing out, The Perfect Man said, "Hey, where did that cold draft come from? Did you feel it?"

Welcome home, Harry!

A Matter of Mittens

2007-01-31T08:16:00.000-05:00

Yesterday on my way home from work, a woman ("Disgruntled Woman") got on the bus and stopped behind another woman (Mom-Woman") with a large baby buggy, that was stopped near the front of the bus. Mom-Woman had the buggy pushed as far over to the side as she could get it and there really was quite a bit of room to get around it. She was prevented from moving foward because of two other equally large baby buggies.

It did not matter to Disgruntled Woman that Mom-Woman had nowhere to go. She kept standing behind her and yelling at her to move her buggy. She finally did go around her and found a seat sitting across from me, where she loudly announced to all who were listening that Mom-Woman was a f**king b*tch and she should have known that she (Disgrungled Woman) was hit by a car ON HER BIRTHDAY!!! and had four cracked ribs. This tirated kept up for a while until one of the other mother's on the bus told her to watch her language.

Disgruntled Woman switched topics to tell the gentleman in front of her (I think she knew him) about all the people in her family who had died recently. She finished that amusing tale by asking said gentleman if he could "trust" her for half a pound of cheese until she got her cheque the next day. I didn't hear his answer and it was finally time for me to get off that bus so I could catch the next.

Disgruntled Woman was getting off the bus at the same stop as me. I got up behind her and I noticed that she had one of her mittens barely hanging out of her pocket and was about to lose it. The bus had stopped and the doors were opened and I gently tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Excuse Me".

She whipped around and started yelling "I know. I know. I'm getting off the f**king bus. You don't have to be in such a f**king rush."

I smiled sweetly and pointed to her mitten and said, "I only wanted to tell you that your mitten is falling out of your coat."

"Oh" was all she said and she exited the bus.

Everyone around me was smiling as I called out "Have a nice day".

In a Lurch

2007-01-30T08:23:00.000-05:00

When I was growing up, we had a trailer that was in a park not far from our house. My mom and I spent the whole of the summer there, while my dad and my brothers stayed at home and worked at the family towing business. Once in a while, my cousin Jerry would stay with my younger brother Merv. Merv is not younger than me, but he is younger than my eldest brother, Larry.

During the summer, Merv would go to the golf course across the street and collect golf balls that had gotten hit into the pond. He would clean them, baggie them and sell them to the players on the course. Then he would take our dog, Lurch, to Gypsie's Ice Cream Palour and he'd treat them both to an ice cream cone. When Jerry was there, he would help out and he'd enjoy an ice cream cone each day as well.

One day, it was rainy and overcast and there was not much business on the golf course. The boys only made enough money to get two ice cream cones. They went home and picked up Lurch and took him to Gypsie's. Jerry and Merv shared one ice cream cone and Lurch had his own.

A gentlement watched them for a bit and then walked up and asked the boys why they were sharing an ice cream and giving the dog his own. Merv explained that they didn't have enough money for three cones and the dog was used to getting his own each day and wouldn't understand if he suddenly didn't get it one day. Merv said he was afraid Lurch would think he had done something wrong.

The gentleman was so impressed, he bought all three of them an ice cream cone.

Costco Efficient

2007-01-29T08:15:00.000-05:00

The only way I can actually be sure to get a new bathing suit when I need one is to buy it at Costco. They don't have dressing rooms, so I don't have to go through the humiliation of looking at all my jiggly parts in huge mirrors, in bright glaring lights.

I get to try it on at home -- and then it's just too much trouble to take the damn thing back.

And That's Why He's Perfect For Me

2007-01-26T08:15:00.000-05:00

I know this is probably going to embarass The Perfect Man, but I have a story to tell.

I work in the legal department for a child welfare agency. It's not the greatest job in the world to read the things I have to read. But every once in a while, something good happens and that's what keeps me getting up for work in the morning. Well that and The Perfect Man nudging me in the ribs saying, "Bernie, the damn alarm's been ringing for 10 minutes".

Yesterday, something good happened.

We have children "in the system" who are over the age of 16 so cannot be in a foster home, but are under the age of 18 so still fall under our mandate. These kids live indepedently, but we serve as their "parents". We provide them with their (very modest) living expenses and they contact their workers like you or I would call our moms.

One of these kids in independent living has had a very rough go of it. He's in trouble a lot and he has a lot of anger issues (but I imagine the best of us would, given what he's been through in his young life). His worker told me yesterday that he's a good kid with a good heart who makes bad decisions. One of those bad decisions landed him in court for uttering threats. Now he's facing a month or more in secure custody.

This young man has two cats. His worker tells me he's barely able to take care of himself at times, but those two cats are the most loved and cared for animals she has ever encountered. She sent a plea to our agency asking if there were someone willing to take the cats in on a temporary basis so that our "child" would have one less thing to worry about during this turbulent time.

I called The Perfect Man. I didn't even get a chance to finish telling him why I was calling. I didn't even have to tell him that I was crying over this. He said, "Do you want to do this" and I said "yes". "Done", he announced.

And that's only one tiny, small reason why I love him so much and why he's so perfect for me.

Note to Reader: I volunteered to take the cats, but stipulated that if they were male, they had to be fixed, because we have three male cats at home. They were not fixed and so went to another loving foster home without existing cats.

How Did Mom Get in My Mirror

2007-01-25T08:28:00.000-05:00

Yesterday evening, The Perfect Man and I went to my mom and step-dad's place to help them out with some electrical problems they've been having. While there, we told them that we're taking them away to their favourite hotel in Niagara Falls in April. Mom immediately started stressing, "I don't know if we'll have enough money for the Casino by then." She must have said that no less than eight times while we were there.

After we left, it hit me. I'm just like that. I'm not as bad as her, but I do worry about things that might happen instead of just deciding to deal with them if they do.

I love it when a revelation like that hits. That's when I make my resolutions, instead of waiting until January 1st every year. So, from now on I resolve to try not to worry about things before they happen.

Thanks, Mom!

Sleeping With Elvis

2007-01-24T08:14:00.000-05:00

There are only two "famous" people in this world that I ever really wanted to meet when I was growing up. One was real and the other was a character. The real person was Elvis Presley. The character is better left for another blog entry.

Elvis......wow. One of my first albums was Elvis Presley sings Flaming Star. Most of those songs never made it main stream and I can probably still sing every single one of them. And movies? I prayed just about every weekend that there would be an Elvis movie on at some point.

Then it happened. Oh my gosh! I could hardly contain my excitement. My brother and I were watching "Dialing for Dollars" on WKBW-TV out of Buffalo (as we did every day after school) and the host announced that the following week was ELVIS WEEK. I thought I was going to pee my pants.

I got ready. I had ten 60 minute tapes and my little portable tape recorder. You know the one; it has an external microphone on a three foot cord. Every day during Elvis week, I rushed home in time for the movie and I set the tape recorder up so the microphone was close to the speaker and I hit record. About 30 minutes later, I heard "click" and I got up and flipped the tape. 30 minutes after that, I heard "click again and I changed the tape.....and so on. I did that all week.

Then, every night at bedtime, I would pop one of those tapes into the player and I listened to it as I fell asleep. I knew all the movies so well that when I closed my eyes, I could picture the whole movie taking place. The only difference was that I was the one in the female lead. YUM!

So, I guess I kinda had television in my bedroom before it was cool to have one.

And just think; if I had known The Perfect Man then, with my inspiration and his know-how, we may just have been the first to invent the VCR.

What's Meatloaf Got To Do With It

2007-01-23T15:31:00.000-05:00

The Perfect Man and I run karaoke at a local bar on Saturday nights. I have a good friend, Devlin, who likes to come out and lend his fantabulous voice to the chorus of other wanna-be stars.

A few weeks ago, it was a slow night so I started and round of karaoke roulette and Devlin partook. The rules are simple: the audience picks a disc number, then a track number and that's the song you sing. Devlin was lucky enough to get "Two Outa Three Ain't Bad" for his roulette turn. It's a song I hadn't heard in a very long time.

For the next several days, I heard Two Outa Three Ain't Bad on my radio station at work.

This past weekend, Devlin came out to karaoke again. This time he picked Tina Turner's "What's Love Got To Do With It" on his own.

I kid you not -- I heard it yesterday on the radio and then again today.

Devlin, I haven't heard CCR's "Proud Mary" in a while. How about you come out and sing it this weekend and we'll see what happens.

Life? With Harry

2007-01-22T08:04:00.000-05:00

In a previous post, I touched on the fact that The Perfect Man and I lived with a ghost. The new house we moved into was owned by a single family since it was built in 1964: Harry, Lily and their three children. Harry passed away in the summer of 2005. I think he took care of Lily while he was alive because she suffered from Alzheimer's. When he passed, she went to live with her daughter and the house was put on the market.During the house buying process, we were fortunate enough to meet Lily and her daugther and son-in-law and they are lovely people.

Shortly after moving into our new house, four events occurred which lead us to believe that Harry was still around:

The day we got the keys, we went to our new home and ran through all the rooms, laid on all the carpets and generally acted like fools in our joy of joint home ownership. While there, I closed a kitchen drawer no less than three times. The first time, I hardly noticed. The second time I mentioned it to The Perfect Man, and the third time, I was slightly creeped out. Neither of us had opened that drawer at least two of the three times.
After moving into the house, I took my coat out of the front closet. Hanging from my pocket (on the outside) was a bottle of watermelon scented shower gel with a hook for hanging over the shower spout. Neither one of us had ever seen the shower gel before nor did we ever use shower gel. Neither one of us could explain how it got there.
I let Stealer out of the house one morning. It was very cold outside so I only left him out for five minutes. When I went to get him, he didn't come to the door. I tried five minutes later and shook his treats to entice him to come in. He meowed when he heard the treats rattling in their cannister. But he meowed from inside the house. I was the only one awake at the time.
Before we installed a programmable thermostat in our home, The Perfect Man and I had to manually put the thermostat up and down. Up when we wake, down when we leave for work, up when we get home from work and down again at bed time. I started noticing that the thermostat was already turned up when we got home from work. At first I thought we were just forgetful in turning it down before leaving for work -- except that it was at 23 degrees. We never, ever put our thermostat at 23 degrees. The highest we go is 21 degrees. When I realized it was probably Harry, I said, "Thanks for putting up the heat, Harry -- but please no higher than 21 degrees." Since then, it never did go higher.

Believe my tale as you wish; I believe it and it makes me feel good. Harry was thoughtful, playful and helpful; not threatening in the least. His actions have gone a long way to making us feel welcome in our new home.

Unfortunately, it's been some time now since we have noticed anything out of the ordinary and it's our feeling that Harry "checked us out" and has now gone to whatever place was waiting for him. Perhaps secure in his belief that his house will be as loved and cared for as when he was alive. I think he'll be back from time to time, like when he "saved" Stealer from the heating vent.

Thanks for the time together Harry!

Well, Bully For Them

2007-01-19T06:03:00.000-05:00

I was flipping channels yesterday evening, killing time before I had to go out. I stopped when I got to a local news program and they were discussing three girls who had been arrested on Tuesday in New York after a video of them verbally and physically attacking another girl surfaced.

The topic of discussion was whether or not girls were getting more violent today and why. The participants said that the problem was that children in general were getting desensitized because of all the violence they see on television, at the movies and in video games.

I'm not going to comment on that theory because I have no idea if that's the problem or not. What I will say is that the director of this particular news program chose to play the violent video over and over and over again while the host was espousing his position that violence shown on television was one of the reasons our kids were desensitized enough to commit said violent acts.

The hypocrisy of it actually made me want to go out and punch someone, so I guess they were right.

To The Perfect Man

2007-01-18T09:48:00.000-05:00

My Dearest Bear,

My hand is on the back of your hand, and I am gently stroking it.

You are my best friend, confidante, the one who I can whisper my secrets to, share stories with, rest with, sing and dance with; you are my protector, my suck, my guide, my follower, my inspiration, my equal; you are weak when I am strong, and you are strong when I am weak; you are my dream comforter, my babbler in the night, my tea maker.

You rub my feet.

Each day, I spend at least a little bit of time wondering what I did that was so special as to deserve you in my life. You have allowed me to get to the point where I believe that I deserve to be as happy as you make me. I see so much love in you; love for me; and I marvel that I can inspire such feelings in someone.

I see your eyes looking into mine. I see the love. There’s a feeling that goes through me that
goes far beyond passion or love. It’s total commitment. It's as if you and I truly become one person in those moments. Your heart speaks directly to mine.

From my heart to yours....I love you....forever together...h2h

Bernie

P.S. I get to sleep with you tonight.

Stacked Deck

2007-01-16T08:19:00.000-05:00

Sunday was Bob's 25th birthday. It's hard for me to believe that I have a son who is 25. I barely feel like I'm an adult at times.

Bob, his girlfriend Tiffany and my parents came over for dinner. The rest of the crew showed up after dinner for cake.

Bob loves performing slight of hand magic and he's very, very good at it. He's always amazing us with it, but especially my mother.

My mother brought a birthday present for Bob. But she also had something else for him....someone had given her a deck of cards and she immediately thought of Bob because a lot of his tricks are done with cards.

The cards all have naked people on them. To be more specific, they all contain naked MEN!

Billing in the Afterlife

2007-01-15T13:32:00.000-05:00

Subject: Your Bell e-bill is ready
From: bill.presentment@bell.ca
Date: Mon, January 15, 2007 4:20 am
To: Me

Name: K STAFFLEITNER

Date: January 12, 2007

Amount Due: 0.00

Hello K STAFFLEITNER,
Your e-bill is now available online.Thank you for choosing Bell.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I kid you not. I cancelled my telephone service as of December 1, 2006. I received a final bill on December 12, 2006.

Today, I received notification that I had a bill from Bell Canada dated January 12, 2007 with a zero balance. I went online and checked -- There is a bill posted dated January 12, 2007 with a zero balance.

And they wonder why they're failing as a business.

Fair Spray

2007-01-15T08:19:00.000-05:00

We have three cats and a new sofa and love seat. The cats aren't bad with scratching the furniture, but every once in a while, instinct takes over and one or another of them will scratch. To discourage them, I keep a spray bottle full of water beside my seat. As soon as I hear the scratching sound, I give the cat a little squirt.

Yesterday was my son's 25th birthday and we had the whole gang over. We were sitting in the living room and Crystal was beside me on the love seat. She called Stealer to come up and sit with her. Being a cat, he didn't listen. She lightly scratched the cushion because that's a sound that usually attracts him.

So, I sprayed her.

You Don't Say

2007-01-12T08:20:00.000-05:00

Tina (seated on the left) told me that her daughter Irene (in the middle) was pregnant. My response was, "Oh my god. So is Crystal!" That's when The Perfect Man snapped this picture.

Of course, we had both been sworn to secrecy by our daughters.

Steal Heating Vents

2007-01-10T14:49:00.000-05:00

Meet Stealer. Stealer is about ten years old now and he is the only one of our three cats that goes outside. He spends about ten minutes outside, maybe twice a day.

Yesterday, The Perfect Man and I got home to find a heating vent in the middle of the floor in our breakfast nook. We were a little stumped and we started searching the house to see where the vent had come from. Not the breakfast nook or living room, not any of the bedrooms or the bathroom. We even checked the basement, but all heating vents were securely in place. So, where the heck did this thing come from? Our first thought was our resident ghost, Harry.

I picked up the heating vent and my stomach did a flip flop. Stuck inside the heating vent was Stealer's collar. His name tag had become jammed inside the grating. He has a habit of sleeping on the heating vent under a stool in the kitchen; the only vent we didn't think to check. He must have gotten his tag stuck and then had to drag that vent around with him until a link in his collar had opened up enough for it to drop off his neck. The poor thing must have been terrified.

So, it wasn't our ghost after all. Although, it was a stainless steel link. I wonder how it opened.....

Dreams of Sugar Plums?

2007-01-10T08:19:00.000-05:00

When my brother and I were younger, we watched a movie called "Trilogy of Terror". We missed the first two segments and were watching the third one about a little Zuni warrior doll that came to life when its belt came off. This thing terrorized Karen Black with it’s razor sharp teeth, and it’s huge butcher knife. Mom told us to turn it off but we begged her to let us watch. After we promised that we would go right to sleep, she gave in.

My brother and I went right to bed after watching the movie. The landing at the top of the stairs had a three foot by three foot landing with the bathroom at the head, my bedroom to the right, and my brother’s to the left. We sat in our bedroom doorways trying to convince each other that our various dolls and action figures weren’t coming to life in the dark. We were way too terrified to go to sleep.

Then, the hallway light came on, so we scooted into our respective beds. Mom came up and went into the bathroom. When she was done, she came out and I saw her crouch on the landing. She pulled a big ass butcher knife from behind her back. She plunged the knife into the carpet, and twisted it back out and up again. Plunged down, twisted out. Over and over. She opened her mouth into a wide evil grin showing us her razor sharp (plastic toy vampire) teeth and she said, "You kids go to sleep, or I’m going to get you".

Yeah, we screamed. Loud. And long. My brother practically climbed the wall he was so scared and I did my best to turn away from my mother while still trying to keep my eyes on her. Linda Blair would have been proud.

The surprising thing is that I still love scary movies. The scarier, the better. I guess it just makes me feel closer to mom.....

Quick! Call A Whore, I See A Cop

2007-01-09T08:29:00.000-05:00

I work in the legal department for a child welfare agency. Our office is across the street from a motel that mostly rents by the hour (or the minute) and has several "drive thru" windows.

One day, a number of my co-workers were crowded around one of the windows looking at the motel parking lot. I joined them and realized that there was an incredibly young girl who appeared to be strung out and she was trolling for customers. I kid you not. This girl could not have been over 13 or 14. We were sickened. Even worse, there was a creep hanging out in an SUV in the parking lot. Every once in a while, he'd pull up and give her some pointers or he'd give his horn a little beep and point out a potential customer. The creep was clearly her pimp.

We had to get this little girl off the streets before someone actually picked her up. One of my co-workers called down to our intake departement and they called the police. We all stood at the window, waiting with bated breath. Would the police get there in time?

No, they didn't! Little Miss Innocent got into the SUV with her pimp. Best we could figure is he had figured out we were watching and he was going to take her out of there. Two of our intake department workers decided they could not wait for the police. They ran out to the SUV and, while one of the blocked the path of the car, the other banged on the passenger window and begged the girl to get out of the truck.

On the second floor, all of us were crossing fingers and saying quick prayers to our respective higher powers. Yes! Yes! Yes! She got out of the truck and started to speak with our intake department. We all cheered and were jumping up and down with joy. We had saved a little girl from a scumbag pimp. What could be better? I'll tell you. The young girl had been speaking to a driver of a pickup truck and he had decided to take her up on her offer and he had gone around the corner and pulled into the motel lot. So, we also saved her from a pathetic low-life customer. YIPPEE!!!

Our joy was shortlived. Our intake workers walked away from the SUV and the girl got back in the SUV and the scumbucket drove away with her. We were crushed. A couple of us were actually teary at this point.

Then a couple of cars pulled into the motel parking lot very quckly and they blocked the pickup truck (the potential customer). The men in the cars got out and pulled the guy out of the pickup and put him up against his truck and held him there. Now, we were very confused. Then one little voice from near the back of the office said, "Holy shit. They cops". And our intake workers confirmed it.

We had just tried to save one of Hamilton's finest in the middle of a sting operation.

Witty Ditty

2007-01-08T08:28:00.001-05:00

This is just one of the "nursery rhymes" my mother taught me:

Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet
Eating her curds and whey
Along came a spider
And sat down beside her
And said "give me some you bitch."

The Rapture

2007-01-05T08:13:00.000-05:00

I attended catholic school. One thing catholic "leaders" love to do is scare the bejesus out of you in an attempt to get you to blindly follow their teachings.

One torture practice they used was a film all about the rapture. The rapture is supposedly a day that god [he is the kingdom, the power and the glory] will raise all good christians to heaven, body and soul. Only evil people and non-christians will be left on earth. The film also said that you had to ask the lord [praise be his name] specifically to come into your heart, or he'd leave you behind. Needless to say, the film depicted an earth full of fire, violence, and general mayhem that would have scared any naive ten year old, and I was certainly no exception. I must admit, I spent a few sleepless nights over that one. I must have asked the lord [may he always be with you] into my heart every night and morning for a month solid.

I did finally get over the trauma of the film. I thought maybe I did deserve to go to heaven and of course I wouldn't be left behind. That is until one day I came home from school and no one was home.

No one was home! No one. Not mom. Not dad. N-O O-N-E!

That had never, ever happened. My mom was always home. If she wasn't home, there was someone there in her place. The door was unlocked. Mom had her knitting stuff sitting by the chair where she usually sat. Dinner preparations had been started.....

HOLY FUCK! THE RAPTURE!

Yup. That miserable, selfish, all-hateful creator had come to my very own home and had taken my family to heaven, body and soul, and had left me behind to fend for myself with all the nasty non-christians. I was devastated. Too devastated to cry even. I just stood in the middle of the living room, probably with my mouth gaping open.

Then I heard a car outside the window. I ran and I cautiously lifted the bottom corner of the curtain and peeked out in case it was a heathen coming to do terrible, unspeakable things to me.

Oh glory be. It was our car and my mother was driving it. I ran to the door and greet her. She apologized over and over again. She had run to the store to get something she needed to finish dinner and thought she would beat me home. I didn't care. I was just so relieved that the rapture hadn't happened.

Two interesting things about that incident:

I was so brain-washed at that time that I actually went to bed that night and said a prayer of thanks that the rapture hadn't happened without me and then I asked the lord [he is my saviour] into my heart.
It never even crossed my mind that the rapture may have still happened but my mom had been left behind too.

Thank Who For What?

2007-01-03T16:19:00.000-05:00

I heard one person say,
"That man deserved to die for the horrible things he did to all those people, but they shouldn't have hanged him. That was cruel."

And another,
"He was beligerent at the end and his captors taunted him. I wonder who started it?"

One more,
"I heard they had to execute him before his birthday so he wouldn't be too old to die."

And still another,
"Now that he's dead, they'll make him a saint".

My tongue hurts. It really, really hurts.

Fark 'N Ply

2007-01-03T08:26:00.000-05:00

The Perfect Man and I used a well-known company to park our car while we were on vacation. They're great. For about double the price, they'll actually park the car for you and then bring it back from the parking lot when you get back from vacation. It's safe and secure because they have a "well-lit, fenced-in compound".

Of course we still took precautions. We removed any valuables from our car. We only had our cell phones with us so we could each call our children once we got back home. Those we hid from view so that our car wouldn't be broken into. The Perfect Man hid his cell phone in the centre console. I hid mine in the pocket on the door.

So, the compound is well-lot and fenced in. We hid our only valuables from view. Everything is perfect. Right? Would I be positing about it if it were?

When you use valet parking, "Fark 'N Ply" has this policy: They bring your car to the check-out area, they leave the keys in it and the engine running, they leave all the doors unlocked and then they walk away from it. That's right. No security personnel to watch over your car while you're still enroute on the shuttle bus. Not even a security camera, monitored or otherwise.

The Perfect Man's cell phone was missing from the car. We tore that car apart for about 15 minutes looking for it. I should note for the record that, while the Perfect Man and I were tearing the car apart, emptying compartments, moving seats, and searching the trunk, no one tried to stop us or questioned us to see if we were the proper owners of the car.

I kept reassuring the Perfect Man that this was a reputable company and they would stand behind their service. We met with their manager and she told us no less than seven times that they have a "no liability" policy and she showed us where that was printed on their exit receipt and on their claim form. She showed us that at least three times. Then she offered us a "good faith" offer of $100.00 toward the replacement of the cell phone. The cell phone that's about three months old. The Perfect Man and I said we were not agreeing to anything and we left and said we'd be in touch.

We cancelled the cell phone service and the phone company confirmed that no charges had been made on the cell phone, which confirmed to us that the cell phone had just been taken from the car.

We replaced the cell phone and sent the bill to the manager and told her that our position is that we did not sign a waiver and if we did inadvertantly sign a waiver - we had no knowledge of the waiver or what it meant. Also, their employee acted negligently when they left the car open and running. We said we would not accept less than replacement value for the phone.

I'll let you all know the outcome.

That's My Mama - Part II

2007-01-02T10:39:00.000-05:00

I received a lovely wrap from The Perfect Man's sister for Christmas. It's lime green and anyone who knows me knows...I love lime green.

Once back at my house, my mother says, "It's a runner."

"What?" I asked.

"It's a runner. You can use it on your kitchen table".

We playfully argued for a bit because I was sure it was a wrap. However, I trusted my mom. She has more years on me and more wisdom about such things. Boxing Day dawned and I placed the "runner" on my kitchen table. I tried it this way and that, sideways, lengthwise, you name it. Nothing looked right. Then I noticed that I had the label facing up. I went to turn it yet again but stopped to actually read the label.

It said, "Pashmina". For those of you who don't know, a pashmina is .... a wrap.

That's My Mama

2006-12-29T12:48:00.000-05:00

When my daughter announced at Christmas that she was pregnant and was due on the 23rd of June (her own birthday), my mother (the prospective great-grandmother) said "Keep your legs closed and hold out for mine". (Mom's birthday is June 24th.)

Greetings from Cuba

2006-12-18T10:20:00.000-05:00

Hello to all my friends back in Canada.

The Perfect Man and I arrived safely in Cuba. Yesterday, we bid a teary good-bye to Mike and Lesley.

I don't have much time to tell you much of anything. I chewed up almost 7 minutes of my precious 30 minutes of internet time just logging on to this blog.

We love and miss you all. Hope to see you on the 23rd for karaoke so we can have a Christmas drink together.

Love and kisses.

CAT-astrophe

2006-12-14T09:04:00.000-05:00

I have a beautiful pure white cat named Winnie. Winnie is a female cat caught in a male cat's body. He grooms the other cats and takes care of them. He is very gentle and he sleeps with me and uses my head as a pillow. Winnie was a stray when we got him and hasn't spent a single day outside since we took him in some 7 years ago.

Winnie has been pretty skittish because we have suitcases out because we're packing for Cuba. Winnie hates travelling in the car. Each time he walks by us, he does his little "dodge-sidestep-trying to hide" shuffle and his eyes beg us "Please don't make me go in the car".

At 6:00 am this morning, Winnie bolted out the door when I let our other cat out. The following two hours rank among the the worst two hours of my life. I kept spotting him but he bolted each time he saw me. Did I mention, Winnie really hates being taken anywhere in the car?

With the help of a new (wonderful, beautiful) neighbour, we managed to corner Winnie in her backyard and he is now home safe and sound, although maybe a little bruised from the hugging.

A Vision of Cable on the Mounain

2006-12-13T09:37:00.000-05:00

I recently moved from the west mountain to the east mountain. I was happy to learn that I was going to be in the service area of the cable and internet company I had been dealing with on the west mountain. I had been with them for 15 years and I thought there would be some warm, fuzzy customer appreication coming my way for staying with them.

I called and spoke to one of their front-desk drones and was told that it would cost me $64.00 to transfer my service from one residence to the other. I reminded her that I had been a customer for 15 years and that they were giving new customers free installation and incentives. Her response was a condescending, "I'm sure you got something free when you joined."

CHOKE!!!

"It was so long ago, I can't remember."

I called the manager. I told her I wasn't looking for any of the incentives they were offering new customers, but I didn't want to pay the $64.00 to transfer. She said, "Oh, you've been with us a long time. That counts for something." Ah sweet blessed satisfaction. Then she said, "We can let you transfer for $35.00."

BLINK

The Perfect Man then called the cable company because his name and mine are different. "Hi. I'm a new customer and I want to set up cable and internet........"

Free installation and three months free internet and digital cable.

Idiots!

A name by any other name

2006-12-12T09:46:00.000-05:00

I had to call the Adult one day to discuss the issue of transferring our previous matrimonial home into my name. I could hear the Current Mrs. Adult in the background "Tell her this. Tell her that" At the end of the call, the Adult said, "So, about the name. When are you going to change it?"

THUNK.....(((picks up bottom jaw from floor)))

Change my name? The name I've had since 1991?

"You can go back to using your maiden name", he thoughtfully suggested.

second THUNK.....

I calmly told him that the very fact that he could even suggest going back to my father's name was part of the reason he and I were no longer together.

I then told him that I was entitled to use the name and not to worry, although it was mine name first, I didn't mind a bit that the Current Mrs. Adult was using it as well.

Me, me, me

2006-12-11T10:01:00.000-05:00

I am a woman in love with the perfect man.

I am a woman fortunate enough to have two incredible kids and two incredible step-kids.

I am a woman who has the best practice grandchild.

I am a woman who has the most amazing friendship base.

I am a woman whose mother is dying of lung cancer.

I am a woman who had an amazing childhood.

I am a woman who had a horrible childhood.

I am a woman who has an ex-husband who was abusive - he's called "The Blob".

I am a woman who has another ex-husband who just doesn't get it - he's called "The Adult".

I am a woman.

These are my stories.